Preparation?

How is it, that after months of preparation I still feel so extraordinarily unprepared to go to South Africa? All I've done for weeks is make lists, run errands, send emails, make phone calls, organize, pack, plan, sell 80% of my worldly possessions, and yet I still don't feel ready to leave. I know my brain says that no one ever feels ready to leave, but that doesn't steady my emotions enough to make me sleep well. Andy Stanley has said that no one is ever more than 80% sure of any major change and I guess that 20% feels as if it is bearing down on me tonight.

I have Pandora playing on a worship station right now and Passion's version of "Better is One Day" is on.
Better is one day in Your courts, better is one day in Your house, Better is one day in Your courts, than thousands elsewhere

Lord, teach me to trust that truth. I am following as You have asked, I am choosing to be obedient in the tasks you have put before me, but I am having trouble seeing the blessing beyond the sacrifice. I want to believe that my life will be more blessed and more fruitful and more honoring to You and those around me as I am following Your direction into Your "courts" and Your ministry, but my head doesn't know how to trust that right now.

Steph and I were watching tv the other day and this commercial came on where this couple was talking about the horrible weeds in their back yard and the struggle in destroying the dandelions. I made fun of it and told Steph that if Greg and I ever get to a point where our biggest stress in life is killing the weeds in our lawn, she has free permission to punch me in the face.

She laughed but responded (perhaps quite prophetically), "Yeah, but there may come a day when you'll wish your biggest stress is the weeds in your lawn."

I know, that with the greatest challenges come the greatest growth. And I am honored that God would think I am worthy of such an incredible task, but that doesn't make me feel any more prepared.

But, tomorrow the sun will rise. I cannot think 10 months down the road, for that matter I can't think 10 days down the road. I will choose to honor God with tomorrow... and then I'll go from there.

2 talks!

I'm a little behind on getting talks online

We did a series at Fuse in March about Honoring God with our Time, Talent & Treasure. Here's my talk on honoring God with our treasure: enjoy =)











Here's my talk from last week about Jesus: 100% God and 100% Man.







Ok, More excitement than you guys can handle!

Thoughts? Questions? Comments? let me know =)

19 days... Unbelieveable

I'm not even sure I've written that much about my trip, but Monday May 3rd I leave for 3 months in South Africa. All the planning, all the preparation, all the work... and I'm down to 19 days.

The story of how I've gotten to this point is a wonderful story of God's provision. When I get a few extra minutes, I'll post that. My goal while I'm down there is to post stories and pictures each week on my Sabbath day (maybe Tuesdays?), but for now, please be praying for safe travel and the preparation of my heart.

I am so thrilled to be able to take this time to serve the people in South Africa. ... And I can't wait for some more African Worship!

Sometimes We Just Have to Show Up

This week at work has been nuts and exhausting. It has also not helped that the Olympics are on and force me to stay up late to watch the intensity of obscure sports like skicross and women's bobsledding (both of which I would really like to try!). All that to say that tonight as I was driving home from work I was thinking of every reason why I shouldn't go help at Nitelife (our middle school youth group) tonight.

I said a short prayer of, "God, I don't have anything left, if I'm going to be at all useful tonight to this ministry, it's going to have to be through your stength and your stength alone." And with that, I drove over there, totally exhausted but willing to try.

And God provided. Upon arriving, I had immediate energy and God reminded me why I love middle schoolers.

He's done this before, but I need to be taught this lesson quite often. God sometimes just wants us to show up. He's ready to do the work through us, if we just ask and make ourselves available as willing hands and feet.

Why I love Jane Austen.

**Note: I almost didn't post this after I wrote it, but I'm being brave and truthful on a topic in which I think many can relate. Ok so here goes.**


This is a discourse I have repeated rather frequently, but tonight Steph and I drank tea and watched Sense and Sensibility, so I am again obliged to dote on Jane Austen. Look, it even effects my writing. What a very Jane-Austen-type first sentence.

And yes, I love the way her characters interact and the dialogue they use, but more than that, I love her view on love.

Too often I am frustrated with the way movies and books and tv shows view love. Love sparks into a burning flame and then is extinguished in rapid succession with few consequences. Too many movies attempt to illustrate love between characters by simply a romantic line, a passionate sex scene, and some sweet conversation they have lying next to each other with artfully placed bedsheets. But that's too easy. That's cheapening love into some sappy combination of emotional and physical lust. I describe it that way particularly because I think too many times women lust after emotional connection, no matter how temporary or contrived. But that is not love.

Love is complicated. It is selfless and committed. It seeks the good of another before the good of oneself. Often love is confusing, and frequently it can be crushing. The term "heartache" is very aptly named and doesn't just happen at the end of a relationship. When love cannot be bistowed on whom the heart is attached, whether because of distance or dischord, the heart aches. Just as love is not easily grown, heartache cannot easily be remedied. It is the opposite of the passionate fire and quickly extinguished lust. But the slow, steady attachment is the right kind of love.

Jane Austen's characters must see all sides of the complexity of love before they are able to find real love. Now, it is true that all of her characters always ultimately end in love, but isn't that what we all want in the end? In Sense and Sensibility there are a series of star-crossed lovers who keep their love for one another a secret from the world. It is the loyalty and longing between these separated lovers that is ultimately much more fulfilling than any spontaneous encounter and passionate sex scene.

It's like Jim & Pam in the Office. It's Jim's extended devotion to her even when she was not reciprocating affection that is so engaging and powerful.

Perhaps I am biased toward this kind of love. It is the kind of love I know best; the kind that knows the deep ache of separation and the elation of reunion. And though it seems difficult and complicated and confusing, I would never trade this love for the emotional and physical lust that is advertised in most modern stories.

I think if we spent more time learning to be like Elinor Dashwood and less time learning the lessons of the doctors of Grey's Anatomy, our views of relationships and marriages would be much more sound.

Exodus 6

This year, Greg and I have decided to read through the Bible. We've chosen a chronological reading plan which I really like because I'm interested to see how all of the books overlap and see how the events lead to one another. Right now, my knowledge of the Old Testament is many snapshots and stories, but I lack the big picture in many places.

Therefore, throughout the year I'll just be posting interesting things that I have been studying. First, did you know that the book of Job falls before the time of Abraham? We read the book of Job after chapter 11 of Genesis, then picked Genesis back up and finished it a few days ago. On to Exodus.

I love Moses because he is so amazingly human. We tend to think of him as this great prophet and leader, but he was hesitant and unbelieving and came up with every excuse he could think of to not follow through with what God had asked of him. Have I ever done that. Surely I have been in Moses shoes (though, perhaps with not such a great task ahead of me as he had).

But today I was actually most engaged not in what Moses did, but in the Israelites. The beginning of Chapter 6 is a profound promise that the Lord gives to Moses that reaffirms all of the truths that he told Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. God promises deliverence and redemption. God finishes his speech to Moses by saying "I am the LORD" where the word LORD is YHWH in Hebrew. It means the existing one. The name was considered so holy that most Hebrews would never dare speak it. It is power and authority, and He is declaring his intentions and actions.

And the Israelites ignored Him.

vs.9 "Moses reported this to the Israelites, but they did not listen to him because of their discouragement and cruel bondage."

At this point the Israelites already knew that God has spoken to Moses, but their circumstances and struggles blinded them to the spectacular miracle that was about to take place around them and for them. How many times has God wanted to change my circumstances, deliver me, and bless me, when I was not open to accept his blessing? How many times have I gotten lost in my own earthly troubles and missed the Heavenly plan going on around me? For generations the Israelites had cried out to God for deliverance, but they were not ready for it when it came. Am I prepared for God to answer all the prayers I have asked of him? If tomorrow, God opened the floodgates of blessing onto my life, would I respond with joy and thanksgiving or continue to focus on other struggles in my life?

How do I teach what I don't yet understand?

I should be sleeping, but sometimes the only way of working through things is to write them out.

9am Sunday mornings I teach Middle School Sunday school. Earlier tonight I realized I wanted to talk about the tragedy in Haiti, and where is God in the midst of this kind of pain and suffering? But as I have been working on the Scripture and the lesson plan... I feel like the more I seek the less I know.

There are dozens of passages of scripture about suffering and enduring for the sake of Christ, but most of them are based on the idea of persecution due to faith. What about natural disasters? What about random acts of hate? I went over to my book shelf and pulled Matt Rogers' book "When Answers Aren't Enough" hoping to refresh some great wisdom or passage to help my kids understand. But as I flipped back through the book, scar tissue began to wear away, and I once again felt the sting of April 16th. This book was written in the year following the shootings and many of the experiences Matt shared were experiences I know and remember vividly.

It's funny, because in the almost 3 years since the tragedy I have talked to dozens, probably hundreds of people about what happened. "You graduated from Virginia Tech?" "Yes, back in 2007." "Oh... so were you... like there?" "Yes, I was. But it didn't at all ruin my experience at school. In fact, once the media left, things were much more stable. It was so great to see the community build around one another and come together for support." I have repeated this conversation many times.

But I think I still have so many unanswered questions! Why that day?! Why those people?! One day later and I would have been in that building, in one of those rooms at 9:30am. One change of day may have saved my life. but why?

I thought I had dealt with so many of these questions, and though I know the answers I, as a follower of Jesus, should give, sometimes they just don't seem adequate. Do I believe that in "all things God works for the good of those who love Him and are called according to his purpose"? Yes. Do I believe that Jesus came that we might have "life, and life to the full"? Yes. Do I believe that God has plans for me that are to "prosper and not to harm, but to give hope and a future"? Yes. And I know, that death and tragedy and evil and hate are a result of sin in a fallen, broken world... but why that moment? Why wasn't it me? Why didn't the gun jam? I know that God does not produce evil, I know that God is perfectly righteous, and I know that God has far more power than Satan. So why did God not intervene on April 16th?

How can I teach what I don't yet understand? I don't know. But I refuse to shy away from the subject just because I am still learning. Tomorrow morning, I will sit with my middle schoolers and we will talk. If nothing else, I want them to know that to be confused is ok. To be frustrated is ok. To be angry is ok. Sometimes God is just asking us to pursue our questions, not to have all the answers.