The older I get, the more I have come to value those who speak truth into my life. I also recognize that it is a rare quality to find, which makes it that much more valuable. Terri Dewey is one of those people who can always speak truth into my life. And she does not just speak truth, she speaks truth with grace and love that serves to soften and heal without diverting the truth itself.
I'm going to be very honest. For the last few days I have been angry at God for everything he has asked of Greg and I. That anger spilled over at Greg as I placed unreasonable demands on him, just to have an excuse to be angry with him. The root of the issue was my anger at God for where Greg and I are. We've battled years of depression together and in the last 24 months, we've lived in the same city for only 2 of them, and for 6 of them we haven't even been on the same continent. We have watched as time after time couples around us have started dating, gotten engaged, and gotten married. Why is it easy for them? We have worked hard to make people feel comfortable around us, even to the point of putting our relationship last. Have we been punished for desiring to serve others?
As I poured this out to Terri tonight, I told her that I recognize that I'm being selfish, and I need to learn to get over all of this. Most of the time I can get a hold of these battles, I can stop comparing us to others, and I can be pleased that we are honoring God through our relationship. There are just times when those get the best of me.
Once I had released this to me she pointed something out that I hadn't even considered:
Have you even grieved about this? I hear you say you're trying to get over this, but is that really offering it as a sacrifice to the Lord? It's ok to bring the desires of your heart to the Lord and pour them out before Him, and it's ok to be hurt when they are not fulfilled. It is when we chose to die to those desires that we are truly making a sacrifice to Him.
What great truth. I had stopped looking at this relationship, our struggles, and this year apart as a sacrifice, and started to see it as a punishment. I must choose to lay the desires of my heart on God's alter, even if I do it in a shower of tears. By definition, I cannot make a sacrifice to the Lord if I give him something from which I've already detached myself.
And if I don't give him this, what else in my life is truly a sacrifice? There is literally no where else that God has asked me to offer to him against the desires of my heart. The rest of my heart is filled and overflowing. My needs are more than met, I have a house, and food, and a car, and friends, and a great job, and a church in which to serve, and a wonderful family... the list could run for pages. With all God has given me, I should be so lucky that I could place even the smallest offering on His alter.
Lord, take our relationship. Help me die to these desires each day - that they might be a fragrant offering to you.
11 months ago